MOTHER TO SON: HAS HELICOPTER PARENTING REACHED ITS END?

Time Magazine’s cover story this week: How Much Parenting Is Too Much is a really great story that focuses on the over parenting craze that has taken shape throughout America and puts so called helicopter parenting- overprotective, always hovering, smothering parents- under the microscope.

The article delves into the counter-movement taking place in the country. The counter movement known as “slow parenting” or “free range” parenting is all about giving kids some space and allowing them to fail, get hurt and start again with the belief that they will be stronger in the end.

In my opinion, the counter movement is a great thing. As a parent, I’m the first to tell you that I want my children to succeed and that yes, at times, I feel a bit of anxiety about their future. It’s natural. But what concerns me is the lack of balance that the anxiety has taken over our lives. Too many parents are scared to allow their children to ride bikes, go to the store or walk to schools by themselves. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not saying send your preschooler or kindergartener to the store by his or herself. But we seem no longer able to assess risk and have tried to eliminate all possibility of risk from the equation. As such, I agree with Lenore Skenazy, the woman behind freerangekids.com, who may have started the movement that we are infantilizing our kids into incompetence and that age 10 has become the new 2!

The truth is our parents survived. As they tell it, they walked miles to school alone, went trick or treating by themselves, and wandered entire neighborhoods on their bikes until the street lights came on. Yes, I know times were a lot safer back then but maybe the answer isn’t overprotecting our kids but teaching them to assess risk, how to rebound from failure and make wiser decisions. After all, these are life skills that will serve them well once they enter the real world.

What do you think? Are you a helicopter parent or a free range parent?

To read more about Free Range Parenting, check out Free Range Kids by Lenore Skenazy.

My Thanksgiving Message To Everyone

As we celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday here in the United States, I am reminded of what I am thankful for this year. At the top of my list is my family! The recent addition of our 3rd son this year reminds me everyday just how wonderful life is and how thankful we are for the blessings of God.

I am also thankful for being able to create and maintain this blog and engage with you on the issues most affecting our children from education to crime. Our children represent our greatest gift to humanity and our are legacy and I’m so passionate about them and their future and the world they inherit.
Remember the holidays are a reminder of what’s important. As such, on this day take time to spend with your family and recount your blessings for I’m certain you have many!

Just know that today my family and I are wishing each of you a Happy Thanksgiving.

You're Not The Father

The New York Times has a great article in today’s paper entitled Who Knew I Was Not The Father. The article exposes a serious issue taking place in our country: one of false paternity. This involves a situation where men believe they are the father of a child and claim responsibility and then later find out that they aren’t but then must still pay child support for that child. The reason for this is really outdated laws that have yet to catch up with modern technology and realities.

Take the case of Mike L. profiled in the Times article. He learned that his daughter wasn’t his daughter after all and that now his ex-wife is engaged to be married to the daughter’s biological father so while the daughter’s biological family remains in tact, Mike has to pay child support for their child.

Now I’m all for protecting the interest of the child, but what sense does this make. After all, the men stuck paying child support in many of these cases are men who took the obligation of fatherhood seriously. They lived up to what they thought was their responsibility only to find out that they’ve been lied to and that the court system can offer very little, if any, recourse.

Such antiquated laws will only push men to question paternity first and take responsibility later. I would rather see those fathers who acted in good faith be allowed to stop making any further child support payments but be unable to recoup already paid child support payments.

What do you think? Do you think men who find out later that children they’ve paid support for should be allowed to stop paying? Do you think the father should have any remedy against the mother?


To read the NY Times article, click here

Would You Kill Your Own Child?

I know this is a hard question for most of us. So it boggled my mind to read how a 37 year old man recently executed his 15 year old son even though the son pleaded for his life. When I first read the story about Jamar Pinkney Jr., I only wondered what could make a father kill his son in
such a cold, calculated way.

According to the Detroit Free Press, family members said the murder stemmed from a confession made by the son who told his mother that he'd touched his 3-year-old half-sister inappropriately at his father's Detroit home. The mom called the dad and informed him of the confession seeking help for their son. The facts surrounded the son's murder are just too sad for me to discuss.

To read the rest of the story click here.

Mother To Son: Should Single Parents Have To Go To Combat Zones?

Single mom Alexis Hutchinson has been jailed and facing a possible court martial after failing to show up for her flight to Afghanistan on November 15. Hutchinson had no one to take care of her 11-month old son and she says she had been told to report anyone and that her son would be placed in foster care. Hutchinson failed to report and has been arrested.

The Army requires all single-parent soldiers to submit a care plan for dependent children before they can deploy to a combat zone. Hutchinson’s mother initially agreed to care for the child but became unable to because she was already taking care of 3 other people and returned the child to Hutchinson a few days before she was to deploy.

Do you think single parents should have to go to combat zones? If so, do you think they should be exempt if they can't obtain child care?

Preparing Our Children for the 21st Century

Yesterday, I interviewed Angela Jackson with the Global Language Project (GLP) on Update with Doris Moore Bailey, a radio show I co-host. Angela is doing some profound things in the world of language immersion through her GLP organization. The GLP is an innovative educational movement that empowers disadvantaged public-school students to excel in a globalized world by teaching them languages other than English.

As many of you know, I’m a huge fan of kids being at least bilingual. I think in a world where we’re seeing the rise of countries like China, India and Brazil, it’s imperative that American children, especially minority youth, become bilingual in order to compete in a global world. Since foreign language is not part of the curriculum in many US schools, it like so many other things, becomes an issue of access. Unfortunately, the parents of many disadvantaged youth do not have the resources to enroll their children into foreign language programs.

Even so, there are a few things parents can do to get their children access to another language.

1. Free Programs. See if there are any language immersion programs being offered by yoru district, a community recreation center, a church or some other organization in the neighborhood that you can enroll your children in.

2. Form a group with other parents in the school to have their kids taught a foreign language. See if any of the parents interested in forming the group can speak another language and would be willing to teach it to the children. If not, consider hiring a college student or see if you can find a qualified volunteer.

3. Lobby the school and the superintendent to get foreign language included in the curriculum. Parents have a lot of power and as a group can effectuate change.

4. Consider teaching them yourself. There are many foreign language sites on the internet where you can download worksheets and learning the meaning of words in different languages. Although this may not be the most effective method, you should be able to provide enough information to get your child saying a few words.

Any other thoughts about how parents can get their children exposure to a foreign language

Trailer For Why Did I Get Married Too!

The trailer for the new Tyler Perry Movie is out! Check it out. Also share your thoughts about what makes a good marriage or relationship?

Ensuring Our Children's Success

My husband and I attended our sons’ parent teacher conferences last night. To say, we were ecstatic when we left is an understatement. As parents, we are always delighted to know that are children are excelling especially as it relates to math and reading.

This is because so much has been made about the reading and math achievement gap as it relates to African-American youth, especially our sons. The existence of an achievement gap is not news. Nor is the fact that large numbers of American children, whether they graduate high school or not, are able to read, write and do simple math. American schools are failing our children but the failure disproportionately affects students of color.

As such, my husband and I have been adamant to ensure that our sons don’t fall into those statistics and we spend a great deal of time supplementing their public school education. So we were very pleased to learn from our sons’ teachers that they were both at the top of their class in math and that a lot of our extra efforts in terms of tutoring them and challenging them beyond their grade levels is paying off.

As parents, I think, if we don’t believe the public education our children are receiving is sufficient, and private or home school aren’t viable options, I think there are many things we can do to supplement their education including:

(1) Spend extra time educating them. I usually spend an extra hour with my kids in the morning prior to the start of the school day working on lessons with them. We usually make an event out of it. I allow the boys to pick words for each other to have to spell, or I give them a story scenario and ask them to finish it and usually reward a prize to the best storyteller. Great sites for lessons are Edhelper.com and mathplayground.com.

(2) Expose them to a foreign language. We are huge fans of foreign language and culture in our household. It’s unfortunate that many schools no longer include foreign language as part of their curriculum because it is one of the most important things we can teach our children. If you can afford it and it’s not offered in the schools, find an after school program. If money is an issue, look online for downloadable lessons.

(3) Use your library and online forums. Libraries are filled with lots of educational information that can benefit our kids. There are many great books and lessons on CD-roms and DVDs that can be used to further their education. The same is true of online sites. I have often encouraged my children’s math development by allowing them to play math games at sites like funbrain.com but there are many such online sites.

These are some of the methods I use to ensure my children have a leg up in our society and encourage their educational success. What do you do to encourage your child’s development or ensure they succeed in school? Are there resources, online or offline that you would recommend?

Russell Simmons to Bill Cosby: Lay Off The Youth

In a recent open letter, written on his Global Grind website, Russell Simmons asked Bill Cosby to stop criticizing youth and focus more on the social ills that create their behavior. In the open letter which critiques Cosby and his new CD, "State of Emergency", Simmons wrote:


“There are a lot of great entertainers who do great things. Bill Cosby is one of them. He has always used his voice to right what he thought was wrong. However, I believe that too often Mr. Cosby has wrongly placed the blame.
Bill Cosby is an example of someone from the older generation who has consistently blamed the poets and asked suffering community members to bear the full burden of guilt for the struggles that they endure. It is certainly not that he and the rest of the elders don’t care, because they do. In fact, their intentions are pure and good. All the things they say are actually true. What they don’t understand is that the young people who they criticize did not create their own realities. They did not create the crumbling education system that we school them in. They did not create the drug epidemic and drug wars that have resulted in a dysfunctional family structure. They did not create the health care crisis that does not treat them. They did not create the culture of violence that they fall victim to.
While it is true that each one of us can make a change at any moment, it is equally true that at every minute we are all doing the best we can. If you knew better, you would do better. Therefore, those who care and have resources could/should work to create the kind of support systems that could inspire change.”


In closing, Simmons said it was time for a man-to-man discussion about the issues. Now, far be it for me to take sides, and I won’t because I do believe that Cosby is right in that youth and parents have to take personal responsibility. But I also believe we have to recognize that the ills that plague our community and the youth behavior don’t exist in a vacuum.

However, what I’m most grateful for about this letter is that it can serve as the start of a dialogue between two powerful men in the black community who may be able to generate some real change. It’s also a great example of black men leading the way and trying to make a difference. And I hope both Simmons and Cosby are smart enough not to let the media make this into a battle between the two of them as it seems to be doing in the stories I’ve read. Imagine what could be accomplished if these two powerful forces united.

What are your thoughts? Do you agree that it would be a step in the right direction if these two could come together and help advance the cause of youth in the community?

Are Our Kids Doomed?

A recent study published in the November issue of Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine says that nearly half of the nation’s children, and nearly 90% of black children will be on food stamps at some period in their lives. The estimate comes from an analysis of 30 years of national data and, according to an AP story, “seems consistent with other recent research suggesting that more than 40 percent of U.S. children will live in poverty or near-poverty by age 17; and that half will live at some point in a single-parent family.”

This analysis, in conjunction with another recently released statistic from the Department of Defense that 75% of military-age youth are ineligible to join the military because they are overweight, fail to graduate high school or have a criminal record, thus, creating a potential national security threat bolsters concerns that many of America’s youth may be at economic risk and makes you wonder how we’re preparing the next generation to succeed in this country.

While I have my doubts about the accuracy of the numbers from both the fit for military duty and food stamp studies, you have to admit there is something happening with our youth and these statistics paint a grim picture of their future. It makes me wonder are we leaving behind a huge segment of the next generation while failing to preparing yet another segment to take on the challenges of the future.
Now let me be clear, I know there are plenty of hard working youth, and I’m always cautious about how I talk about the current generation of youth. After all, it seems every generation talks about the one after it as if they are somehow going to destroy the country or aren’t doing enough. But, we have to admit this generation has a lot of challenges facing it that others haven’t from the enormous deficits being created, to the huge number of children being raised in poverty to the obesity issue and the educational system that is leaving far too many children behind.

When I think about this, I am reminded of a phrase that a good friend of mine says of his generation: “we’re the generation with the most doing the least.” It makes you wonder for all of our wealth, technology and so called civilization why we’re raising a generation ill-equipped to lead tomorrow. It also makes me wonder why as a society we haven’t chosen to modernize and prioritize education and healthcare: two things that certainly could give our youth a fighting chance.

In the end, it seems unless things turnaround that our kids’ generation may be the first generation relegated to third world status before it can marshal its resources and the American spirit to prevent that from happening.

Swine Flu: 5 Inventions that Can Help Minimize the Spread

Believe me, when I say there is fervor throughout the country about the swine flu. People are afraid of getting it. In fact, thousands of people are standing in long lines to get vaccinated and doctors are complaining their high risk patients need it but can’t get it, and then there was a recent story out of New York about two women on a subway who got into a scuffle because one was coughing without covering her mouth and the other didn’t want to get swine flu!

Who can blame her? After all, the government and the media have done a great job of frightening most of the country into a panic. The panic has heightened now that we’re into flu season and kids are back in school. There are some inventions out there that help minimize the spread of germs including the swine flu.

Click HERE to read what those 5 inventions are.

The Sting of Defeat

It wasn’t a great night in our house last night! As we sat there eating popcorn and watching the election results come in from around the country, my kids, husband and I kept tally of how we fared on the passage of issues we supported and the election or re-election of people we supported. At a local level we fared ok. Several of the candidates we wanted elected to our school board won. Also, I was delighted that a college friend of mine not only won his bid for City Council but was the top vote getter and so will also be Council President.

Despite those wins, as a whole we didn’t do well in terms of passage of issues and election of candidates we supported at both the national and local level although my oldest son fared the best in our household in terms of success on the issues and people he supported. [NOTE: We didn’t all support the same issues and people but everyone was encouraged to determine where they stood on the various people and issues]. The loss of Jon Corzine in New Jersey wasn’t great news for me but the election results from Virginia were (yes we are a family of Independents!) and the 23rd district in New York was a shocker. It was expected the conservative would win in a district that has been conservative for more than 100 years.

For each of us, we lost more than we won. For my two sons, who play sports and are very competitive, losing even in politics is not fun. Nevertheless, the losses at the local and national level provided a great opportunity to discuss winning and losing with my sons and how sometimes what matters most is participation. This is an important lesson because often many people become disenchanted with the process if they sustain too many losses or feel like things never break their way, and I wanted them to understand that in the world of politics, there will be plenty of times in their lifetimes that things won’t go their way but never give up on the process. Despite the losses, the night overall was a success as my 7 year old son noted: the popcorn was great! Indeed, it was and so was the opportunity to help my sons understand their role in the process.

How was election night for you? What did you think about the results?

Election Day: Getting Your Kids Involved

Today is Election Day all around the country. While there are a few interesting races in my city, I’m most interested in how the governors’ races in Virginia and New Jersey and the Congressional race in New York will turn out because they may give some indication as to where we’re headed as a country.

Nevertheless, Election Day is a great opportunity to talk with and get kids involved in the political process. It’s important that they do since the world we create today is ultimately the world they inherit tomorrow. We love politics in our house. We discuss issues with them and often ask their opinions about matters. Here are a few tips to help your kids learn about what’s going on with them:

1. Take them to the polls. I usually take my kids to the polls with me. This is a great opportunity for them to see democracy at work. Take them into the ballot box with you and show them how to vote.

2. Read the newspaper. Every morning during breakfast we do current events in my house. Usually the week before an election, the papers are filled with information about the upcoming elections. So will be the case after the election. Use the stories as an opportunity to read to your kids or have them read to you and discuss what the stories are about. Ask them to express their views or pose some questions to them about the races and hear their answers. I often will have them write about what they read or ask them a question and have them write an answer. This allows them the opportunity to reflect.

3. Watch the results. Pull out the popcorn, sit down with your kids and watch the results as they come in. I usually make a big deal out of it. This, well maybe the popcorn really, usually gets the kids excited and it’s the opportunity for them to see the ultimate results of everything we’ve discussed with respect to the election.

What ways do you get your kids involved in politics?

What Do You Love About Your Sons?

I admit it. Outside of constantly telling them to take a bath and to brush their teeth, I absolutely love being a mom to boys. There are so many negative things and images written about black boys that I wanted to share some pretty amazing things about my three sons.

My oldest is the most determined child you would ever meet. If there is something he wants to do but is not good at, he will work at it until he is. He will also outwork you and this determination accounts for a good deal of his success. He will tell you I may not be the best but I'm the hardest worker and that will make up for it.

My youngest son is just an old soul. The most helpful child you will ever meet. He loves hugs and kisses and always takes the time to make anyone he comes into contact with feel special. He already knows his greatest asset is his interpersonal skills.

My youngest, is only 3 months old but has a smile that will make you melt. He also has the type of energy that you can already see bursting from the seams. I already know who is going to be the ham of the family!

These are the 3 things I love most about my sons. What do you love most about your sons and why?

Who's Really Raising Your Child?

Often when we hear about a terrible crime committed by a young person, we frequently ask where are the parents? The state of parenting is such that our automatic belief or stereotype regarding a child that commits these type of crimes is that he comes from a dysfunctional, fatherless home.

In many of the cases, this stereotype holds true. But what about the cases where this isn’t the case. Take the case last week in Hammond, Illinois where police charged Gregory Brooks, Jr. 18, along with another teen, of murder in connection with the killing of a couple. The teens also faced charges of robbery, burglary, confinement and auto theft in that case as well. By all accounts, Gregory came from a two parent, church going home, where his parents were very active in his life. Yet, he still fell victim to the streets. Such case reminds us that even kids from “good” families can fall prey to the streets.

The streets can be a mighty lure especially when so many youth are constantly bombarded with the images of wealth they see on MTV, BET and other television shows or hear about in music. But their lives are relegated to neighborhoods of abandoned buildings, poverty and strife. It’s easy to become disillusioned especially when there is a lack of jobs, pervasive poverty and no community institutions willing to advocate and invest in these youth. The bottom line: too many of our youth, especially our young black men, are succumbing to the lure of the streets and are being raised by them rather than by parents.

We know it takes an enormous and almost heroic efforts to keep a child born to parents who aren’t vested in them on the right track but this case highlights the enormous amount of effort that it may also take to keep even a child from a good family on the right track especially when the lure of the street is the competitor of the parent.

Just ask Gregory Books parents, who by all accounts, did everything right in terms of parenting, but who are probably shocked to learned the lure of the streets proved greater than their parenting of their son. As a mom, it's heartbreaking to say the least but it also shows the gravity of the battle we're engaged in for the hearts and souls of our children, especially our sons.

So what are your thoughts about what we can do to give these youth a fighting chance or to assist parents with at risk children before they turn violent?