Life Isn't Fair; Racism Does Exist

Yesterday morning as I was preparing my children for summer camp, I heard about the story of the private swim club in Philadelphia that is accused of racial discrimination against a day care center made up of mostly minority children. The daycare center’s director said that members of the private swim club made racist comments about the center's children, and the club then canceled their swimming privileges. The Director of the swim club said in a local newspaper interview that the children had changed the complexion and the atmosphere of the Club.

What was most heartbreaking for me was to see and hear the interview with one of the 12 year old students from the center who overheard the remarks. Tearfully, he discussed how members asked why the black children were there and expressed fear that the children could do something to their kids or steal their things. When asked why he was crying, he said because he didn’t think this still happened today.

I thought this was a very poignant statement from a 12-year old hoping to grow up or who thought he was growing up in a transracial America. No doubt this was the child’s first encounter with overt racism. As with any child, their first encounter with learning the world isn’t as perfect as we’ve been told or as it ought to be can be a pretty devastating lesson to learn. For me, it is a reminder as parents, that even in the age of Obama and at a time where African-Americans are making enormous gains that racism remains a factor in our lives and the lives of our children.

As I sat there watching the interview with my children, I used it as an opportunity to further educate and discuss with them that Life Isn’t Fair; Racism Does Exist. It is a lesson that I think every African-American mom should teach her sons (daughters for that fact also) and it is one of the lessons in my book: Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men.

Unfortunately, our young sons need to know that despite all the progress, we still live in a racial society where some people make decisions based on race. This can be a hard and a contradictory lesson for our youth because we often send our children mixed messages. On the one hand we espouse the belief that merit and hard work are all that matter but yet we as adults know that this belief isn’t applicable in all cases and we fail to prepare them for that. I've found that what happens is that children who never learn that life isn't fair or that are never educated about racism are unable to move beyond the incident because their entire belief system has been shattered when these types of incidents occur.

The truth is to some people, skin color is all that matters. I do hope, however, at the end of the day this painful experience doesn’t breed a hopeless type of resentment and anger in this child, which is a natural reaction to these types of situations, and that his parents and others around him help him understand that he did noting wrong, that racism is not his fault and that there is nothing wrong or shameful in being African-American. The shame, is that in 2009, where you have an African-American president, African-Americans making enormous gains and a more diverse America that ignorance, intolerance and stereotypes still rule the day with some segments of our society.

As a parent, I think there are several things you can do to help your child cope with racism.

1. Prepare your child for racism. No matter your socioeconomic status or your educational background, if your child is a child of color he or she will at some point in their lives undoubtedly encounter racism so prepare them for it. Don't assume that race is a nonissue for your family.

2. Start early talking to your child about racism. Racist comments can come as early as preschool. Just as you shouldn’t wait until your child has been molested by a pedophile to teach them about molestation or caught stealing to teach them about theft, you should not wait until their first encounter with racism to teach them about racism. While you don’t need to instill fear in them about racism, you can still provide them generalized rules and ideas about racism and how to handle situations that may arise. Along with this, look for teachable moments that can help your child understand racism. The pool incident discussed above is a good example of a teachable moment. I used this incident to explain to my own children why the youngster being interviewed was crying and ascertain their own feelings about how they would have felt in that situation. I also was able to discuss with them how to handle that situation. At the same time, correct your child if they engage in instances of racism, prejudice or stereotypes. It’s helpful for them to understand situations where they may be perpetrating the same behavior against others.

3. Build your child’s self esteem and identity. As the saying goes, the best offense is a good defense and that is also the case here. Helping to create a good self esteem and identity with your child can actually serve as the best defense against racism because you want your child to define for themselves who they are and not be defined by racist comments or stereotypes. A great way to build self esteem and identity is to surround your child with other children like them, expose them to heritage programs and teach them their history so they are aware of the role that people of their heritage have played in shaping the world both in the present and the past. Additionally, expose your child to children of diverse backgrounds so that they can also learn about diversity.

4. Take Action. If your child experiences racism, it’s important that you take action. It’s important that your child see you stand up for them so they are able to stand up for themselves. Otherwise, your child may think this type of behavior is acceptable and that there is nothing they can do about it. If the incident occurred at school, we need to work with school faculty and administration to make them aware of any such situation. If a teacher or other administration official is the problem, then we need to discuss the situation with higher authorities such as superintendent or other school board members. Learn the school’s policy and their course of action for handling harassment or racism.

5. Teach Racism Is Not Their Fault. Always make clear to your child that they’ve done nothing wrong and that racism is not the result of any bad behavior on their part. Tell them that they are loved and they are beautiful. Love is often a great consolation to a child who is feeling helplessness and uncertainty.

At the end of the day, it’s important that we educate our children about racism and life’s unfairness. However, it is also important to teach them that even though life is unfair that such unfairness is not irrevocable and they can't allow themselves to be subjugated to the victim mentality. Despite its flaws, America remains a place of tremendous opportunity and neither injustice nor inequity can prevent them from being successful but feelings of anger, resentment and hopelessness certainly can if they can’t learn to maneuver around them.

Mom Places Erotic Ad on Craiglists About 9 year old girl

I recently saw a news story about a social worker mom seeking revenge against a bullying classmate of her 9 year old daughter who placed an erotic ad on Craigslist. The ad read: "I need a little affection... I'm blond, I'm cute and I'll be waiting." The mom of the girl targeted said her daughter received 22 calls in one day from men responding to the ad.

While I understand the frustration a parent may feel about seeing his or her child tormented and harassed, this story along with the story of a Missouri mother who was tentatively acquitted for her role in a MySpace hoax directed at a 13-year-old neighbor girl who later killed herself, highlights that parents have to walk a tight rope between being advocates for and defending their kids and becoming harassers.

Honestly, as a parent, I really couldn’t believe these stories. As a mom of two boys, I have dealt with my own children being harassed by other kids so I understand the frustration of the Craigslist mom. But to place an erotic ad and give grown men the number of a child, is just too much. After all, this woman is a social worker who should know better than to endanger the welfare of any child. As a social worker, I would also think she would seek out other ways and have access to other resources that would allow her to better handle this situation. The bottom line is that as parents we have to remember we are talking about children. My own personal thoughts are that if your child is being bullied try doing the following:

1. Talk to the schools. If your child is being bullied at school or the bus stop or even by a school mate outside school, talk to the school administration about this. I know a lot of schools don’t take bullying as serious as they should but as a parent it is your responsibility to make the school aware of the issue and talk to them as much as necessary. Do not worry about being an annoyance; this is after all your child. If you don’t find much assistance at the school level, take it to the superintendent or even try to form some type of network with other parents whose kids are being bullied at school. The more parents seeking to have the issue addressed the more attention schools will give to it.

2. Talk to the bully’s parents. Talk to the parent of the child who is bullying yours to see if you can get any resolution. Sometimes this can eliminate any bullying. Other times, a parent may not be willing to recognize that their child is a bully. The key is that you have to take all the appropriate steps to try to eliminate the issue rather than seeking to behavior that can harm the other child.

3. Teach your child to stand up for him or herself. The bottom line is at the end of the day you have to teach your child to stand up for him or herself. Your child has to understand there is a difference between defending himself and being the perpetrator and that it is ok to defend himself. As a parent, you aren’t always going to be there to help them resolve their issues.

My golden rule has always been that unless someone is subjecting my child to physical harm to help them try to address teasing on their own while I, as the parent, discuss the matter with the school, the teacher and the other child’s parent. At the end of the day, while we may get frustrated as parents, we have to keep trying to address the situation rather than crossing a line that would land us in jail and cause more harm to our family than the initial situation that started everything.

What would you do as a parent if someone were bullying your child?

Talent and Turmoil: A Life In The Spotlight

As a child growing up, I remember, like most children, how badly I wanted to be a superstar. There were days I spent hours writing songs, singing, rehearsing lines from movies I had written and a whole host of other things to prepare me for fame. Although I ultimately took another path in life, I have thought a lot lately about my desire for fame as a youth particularly in light of the death of Michael Jackson. I truly believe that sometimes God’s rejection is his protection of you but I wonder who really ever protected this man.

The truth is it took me a moment to write this post because I had so many mixed emotions. Honestly, I’ve never been a huge Michael Jackson fan, or for that fact, music fan but even Michael Jackson's death struck a chord with me not because he was an iconic genius but because of the human frailty of his life and the recognition of him as a triumphant tragic figure.

Let's be honest. all of us have been touched by Michael Jackson in one way or another. He truly is the greatest celebrity of all times but he also highlights for me the tragedy of fame and fortune as well and the necessity of surrounding yourself with people vested in your life in a world or culture of vultures. Now, don't get me wrong, Michael did benefit from the celebrity life. After all, he made lots of money probably more than any of us could ever imagine. But he also experienced more pain than any of us could ever imagine. I bet if you could ask him whether the money was worth it, you may hear a resounding no because my sense is that underneath all of the sequenced gloves, jackets, and behind the moonwalk and the plastic surgeries lay a guy who only wanted what he never had: a childhood.

Many of us underestimate the blessings of a normal childhood. But, many of us as children, no matter how challenged our childhood, were able to do things most kids do: play freely with other kids, go to movies, etc. Michael Jackson, and many child stars, are never really able to do that. They live in a bubble and no one can imagine living that life forever.

What I feel most sad about with Michael Jackson’s death is that his life was one of talent and turmoil. Here's a man who devoted his life to entertain us and share his talent around the world. He brought us great music, interesting dances, bridged the black and white divide in the music industry, solidified the music video as a novel form of art and created fashion trends. Come on, admit it. How many of us had the Michael Jackson red jacket or the sequenced glove. Ok, I know most of us won’t admit it now but we did. It was cool. It was hot. It was the style. But for all this talent, there was turmoil. He lived in a bubble and has his personal life and demons displayed publicly for the entire world to see. When most of us leave our jobs, we can go home. He couldn’t and he spent his life around a group of yes men, people who used his fame and talent to obtain wealth and a litany of lawsuits because people saw him as a deep pocket: a way to amass quick riches.

In the end, Jackson was a triumphant tragic figure. I hope in death he finds what he never did in life: true peace and serenity.

Posted below is the video to Michael Jackson’s song Childhood. In an interview, he says it was the most honest song he ever wrote and it’s his attempt to get others to understand his intricacies and what many of us termed weird behavior. I encourage you to listen to it and if you ever think fame and fortune is worth the tradeoff this video may teach you differently.

President Barack Obama: Father-In-Chief

Happy Father's Day to all Father's out there. There are so many wonderful fathers doing a great job raising their kids and playing an active role in the lives of their children. We sometimes forget this because the role of fatherhood has in so many ways become devalued by society. But as I've learned over the last several years, there is nothing that contributes to the strength of the family and the success of our children than having fathers in the home or playing an active role in the lives of our children.

This is why I've been so impressed by President Barack Obama not in terms of his policies but in terms of his message about fatherhood and his continuous acknowledgement to the world that the greatest role he plays to date is not that of commander-in-chief but that of father-in-chief.

In acknowledgement of all the fathers out there, I want to thank you for contributing to the success of our children. But as a community we still have a ways to go to continue to help our young men understand the valuable role they play as fathers. As such, I'm reposting a speech then Sen. OBama gave on the campaign trail last year on Father's Day. The lessons espoused are truly great lessons that serve as tremendous building blocks to help strengthen our community.

Additionally, how do you think President Obama has, if at all, changed the perception of the role of black fatherhood whether in our community or on a societal basis?

The "N" Word Finally Laid To Rest By A 10 Year Old

Who says our children aren't intelligent and articulate? Check out this video of a 10year old's participation in an oratorical contest for his church. A great example of the power of our youth and all their potential.

Minding Your Money: Reading Statements Are Critical

I wonder how much money the average person loses from not reading their bills, bank statements and a whole litany of other financial instruments and invoices. Over the last 2 years along, I have uncovered no less than 7 mistakes that could have amounted to me pay more than $1000 erroneously from overbillings and mistakes had I not taken the opportunity to really scrutinize my bills and financial statements. Below are just an example of a few of those mistakes.

1. Bank Statements. Believe it or not, I had a bank submit the same check twice six months apart. Because I am meticulous about reviewing my financial statements, I found it odd that a check I wrote to my nephew as a graduation present in May was clearing in November. What was more odd, I was convinced he, like any youngster, wouldn’t sit on it that long. When I reviewed my financial statements from May and June, I saw that the same check had already cleared in May. My bank did an investigation and found that too be the case and refunded me the money. However, this lesson disturbed me because I had no idea why any bank would present for payment the same check twice and it made me wonder how often this must happen. The amount of the check: $100


2. Hospital Statements. A few months ago, I received a bill from the hospital for $625 for lab work. The way the bill was written it appeared that this was the amount I owed after my insurance payment. I almost paid the bill but after a more careful review, I noticed a statement in the bill that actually referenced that I had no insurance. When I called the hospital, I learned the bill was never submitted to my insurance company because someone had failed to attach the copy of the insurance to the record although they had it in their system. Savings: $625.


3. Doctor’s Statements. Last week, I received a bill from my children’s pediatrician. In reviewing the bill, I saw the charges related to fees incurred in December and January. Once again, I almost paid the bill but then I began to think it odd that I’m just now receiving a bill for the charges. Upon calling the pediatrician, the assistant informed me that we had no outstanding bill and they hadn’t sent us a bill. Their records, in fact, showed we were all paid up. Savings: $45.

While the items above only provide a few examples, it’s important to note that this can happen with any of your bills or financial statements and I have seen this was increasing frequency over the last two years in my own situation. As such, I think the following can be of assistance in making sure you don’t overpay due to such mistakes or errors.


1. Read your bills and financial statements carefully. I know this sounds like a given but I’m amazed at how quickly many people review their bills and financial statements. Try to make sure that every item is accounted for and that every check cleared was correct. You will be surprised how often banks clear checks and deduct the wrong amount from your account (ex: I’ve had checks that I wrote for $50 once clear and $60 was removed from my account). It’s important that you do t his because you have only a limited amount of time to correct changes with respect to banks and credit card companies. Also reviewing your statements carefully, will also allow you to uncover fraudulent charges as well.

2. Keep Records for At Least Two Years Or Longer. I advocate keeping copies of your financial statements and bills for at least two years. This way you can have these records easily at hand if you need them. If I had not kept copies of my bank statements, I would have had to pay money to get another copy to show that the bank presented the same check to me twice. Because I had the records on hand, I was able to produce that information to the bank when I met with them.

3. Don’t assume. Never assume that the bills you receive whether from a doctor’s office, a hospital, a credit card company or even your gas bill is accurate. Scrutiinize it for accuracy and mistakes.
In the end, it’s important that you do a careful review of your bills and financial statements. It may take more time, but in the end you could end up saving a good deal of money from overpaying and mistakes and errors.

5 Simple “Secrets” To Becoming a Peaceful, Prepared and Prosperous Single Parent

I came across this youtube video the other day posted by Single Mama Diva. I thought the video provided some great insights for single moms. She also has a free e-book she is distributing.






5secrets.pdf