What Our Sons Need To Know About Domestic Violence

Part 1 of a 2 part series


It wasn’t too long ago that many of us were reeling from the news of domestic violence involving singers Chris Brown and Rihanna. Then, there was the murder of Jasmine Fiore, whose body was found stuffed in a suitcase and believed to be murdered by her ex husband, reality star Ryan Alexander Jenkins. And even closer to my home, a local police officer who shot and killed his wife in the parking lot of the local library that I frequented often with my own children. These women are just 3 of the more than one million people, on average, who are victims of domestic violence each year according to the Domestic Violence Resource Center.
This month we celebrate National Domestic Violence Month. While it serves a great opportunity to educate the public on the issue of domestic violence, this month also provides an opportunity for us as moms to teach our sons about domestic violence, the importance of healthy relationships and their interactions with women. After all, the younger we can start to educate our youth about domestic violence, the greater opportunity we have to decrease, and hopefully eliminate, the number of cases. The most important thing we can teach our sons is that physical abuse of a woman is never an option in a relationship. There are always walk away points.
As a mom with three sons, I talk to my sons frequently about respect for women, and I hope that those lessons serve them well when they begin to date and/or get married. It is my hope that they will never find themselves the subject of a domestic abuse situation. While I’m not an expert on domestic violence, I think as moms that there are lessons that we can teach our sons that will hopefully make this situation less likely. They include:

1. Help Them Understand What Constitutes Domestic Violence. While many people think of domestic violence as a man consistently abusing a woman, we must help them understand that domestic violence is any violence which takes place within a family or intimate relationship whether it is a one time occurrence or continuous. It includes abuse involving spouses, mates, girlfriends and boyfriends, children and even elderly people and it spans socioeconomic, racial, religious, and age groups.

2. Respect Women. No ifs, ands or doubts about it, every man must and should respect women. Respect is the foundation of any healthy relationship. I know that it’s hard in a society where women are degraded literally everyday on the streets and in pop culture, but it is the essence of ensuring that such domestic violence situations don’t arise. Men who have little respect for women can often get abusive when things go awry. We must continue to teach our sons that women are to be treated with respect and that this means they should love, cherish and never harm them. Abuse, whether physical or mental, should never be directed toward their wife, girlfriend, significant other or any other woman.

2. Don’t Stay In An Unhealthy Relationship. One of the most important things I believe that we can teach our sons is what constitutes a healthy relationship. In this culture, where many of our young men are being raised by single mothers, without any or minimal interaction with male role models, their vision of masculinity can get skewed. The same is true for young men who grew up in abusive two parent households. In such cases, these young men may believe that love is chaotic so they emulate what they’ve seen. This is why it's important for moms to ensure their sons also see examples of healthy relationships and men who represent the example they want their sons to be. Our society is filled with men who are good men and our families are filled with couples who have healthy relationships and it may require us to seek those examples out but it's imperative that we do.

Additionally, as moms, we should remind our sons that domestic violence and abuse despite society’s characterization of it, is a two way street. While most cases involve men abusing women, it can also apply when a woman hits a man, and we should encourage our sons that if they are in a relationship where the woman in their life likes to get physical, i.e., pushing, hitting, biting, slapping, etc. that they terminate the relationship because this type of behavior represents the emerging stages of what could escalate into unthinkable tragedy.

3. Violence Never Solves Anything. There is an adage that says a child learns everything he or she will need to know by age 5. For me, it seems that either our children aren’t learning this lesson or somehow violence is exempt from this adage. Either way, it’s important that we reiterate to our sons that no matter how angry they may become about a situation that violence or use of force, absent of self defense, is not an acceptable form of behavior. I know many of you are thinking this is typical of mothers but sons have to be “men” in this world and they need to learn to defend themselves. Agreed, no issue with defending themselves. But absent self defense, there is nothing manly about violence. I believe constantly reminding our children that violence is never the answer teaches them there are better ways to handle their anger than harming another human being.

In the end, there is much we can do to help decrease the number of domestic violence incidents that occur each year. One of the most effective things that I believe we can do, however, is to help educate our young children about the importance of healthy relationships and better ways to handle their anger than the use of violence.

Part 2: What Our Daughters Need To Know About Domestic Violence


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