Life Isn't Fair; Racism Does Exist

Yesterday morning as I was preparing my children for summer camp, I heard about the story of the private swim club in Philadelphia that is accused of racial discrimination against a day care center made up of mostly minority children. The daycare center’s director said that members of the private swim club made racist comments about the center's children, and the club then canceled their swimming privileges. The Director of the swim club said in a local newspaper interview that the children had changed the complexion and the atmosphere of the Club.

What was most heartbreaking for me was to see and hear the interview with one of the 12 year old students from the center who overheard the remarks. Tearfully, he discussed how members asked why the black children were there and expressed fear that the children could do something to their kids or steal their things. When asked why he was crying, he said because he didn’t think this still happened today.

I thought this was a very poignant statement from a 12-year old hoping to grow up or who thought he was growing up in a transracial America. No doubt this was the child’s first encounter with overt racism. As with any child, their first encounter with learning the world isn’t as perfect as we’ve been told or as it ought to be can be a pretty devastating lesson to learn. For me, it is a reminder as parents, that even in the age of Obama and at a time where African-Americans are making enormous gains that racism remains a factor in our lives and the lives of our children.

As I sat there watching the interview with my children, I used it as an opportunity to further educate and discuss with them that Life Isn’t Fair; Racism Does Exist. It is a lesson that I think every African-American mom should teach her sons (daughters for that fact also) and it is one of the lessons in my book: Mother To Son: Words of Wisdom, Inspiration and Hope for Today’s Young African-American Men.

Unfortunately, our young sons need to know that despite all the progress, we still live in a racial society where some people make decisions based on race. This can be a hard and a contradictory lesson for our youth because we often send our children mixed messages. On the one hand we espouse the belief that merit and hard work are all that matter but yet we as adults know that this belief isn’t applicable in all cases and we fail to prepare them for that. I've found that what happens is that children who never learn that life isn't fair or that are never educated about racism are unable to move beyond the incident because their entire belief system has been shattered when these types of incidents occur.

The truth is to some people, skin color is all that matters. I do hope, however, at the end of the day this painful experience doesn’t breed a hopeless type of resentment and anger in this child, which is a natural reaction to these types of situations, and that his parents and others around him help him understand that he did noting wrong, that racism is not his fault and that there is nothing wrong or shameful in being African-American. The shame, is that in 2009, where you have an African-American president, African-Americans making enormous gains and a more diverse America that ignorance, intolerance and stereotypes still rule the day with some segments of our society.

As a parent, I think there are several things you can do to help your child cope with racism.

1. Prepare your child for racism. No matter your socioeconomic status or your educational background, if your child is a child of color he or she will at some point in their lives undoubtedly encounter racism so prepare them for it. Don't assume that race is a nonissue for your family.

2. Start early talking to your child about racism. Racist comments can come as early as preschool. Just as you shouldn’t wait until your child has been molested by a pedophile to teach them about molestation or caught stealing to teach them about theft, you should not wait until their first encounter with racism to teach them about racism. While you don’t need to instill fear in them about racism, you can still provide them generalized rules and ideas about racism and how to handle situations that may arise. Along with this, look for teachable moments that can help your child understand racism. The pool incident discussed above is a good example of a teachable moment. I used this incident to explain to my own children why the youngster being interviewed was crying and ascertain their own feelings about how they would have felt in that situation. I also was able to discuss with them how to handle that situation. At the same time, correct your child if they engage in instances of racism, prejudice or stereotypes. It’s helpful for them to understand situations where they may be perpetrating the same behavior against others.

3. Build your child’s self esteem and identity. As the saying goes, the best offense is a good defense and that is also the case here. Helping to create a good self esteem and identity with your child can actually serve as the best defense against racism because you want your child to define for themselves who they are and not be defined by racist comments or stereotypes. A great way to build self esteem and identity is to surround your child with other children like them, expose them to heritage programs and teach them their history so they are aware of the role that people of their heritage have played in shaping the world both in the present and the past. Additionally, expose your child to children of diverse backgrounds so that they can also learn about diversity.

4. Take Action. If your child experiences racism, it’s important that you take action. It’s important that your child see you stand up for them so they are able to stand up for themselves. Otherwise, your child may think this type of behavior is acceptable and that there is nothing they can do about it. If the incident occurred at school, we need to work with school faculty and administration to make them aware of any such situation. If a teacher or other administration official is the problem, then we need to discuss the situation with higher authorities such as superintendent or other school board members. Learn the school’s policy and their course of action for handling harassment or racism.

5. Teach Racism Is Not Their Fault. Always make clear to your child that they’ve done nothing wrong and that racism is not the result of any bad behavior on their part. Tell them that they are loved and they are beautiful. Love is often a great consolation to a child who is feeling helplessness and uncertainty.

At the end of the day, it’s important that we educate our children about racism and life’s unfairness. However, it is also important to teach them that even though life is unfair that such unfairness is not irrevocable and they can't allow themselves to be subjugated to the victim mentality. Despite its flaws, America remains a place of tremendous opportunity and neither injustice nor inequity can prevent them from being successful but feelings of anger, resentment and hopelessness certainly can if they can’t learn to maneuver around them.