A Lesson In Parenting

The other day at a family function I watched as a father interacted with two of his children: a boy age 12, and a girl age 9. What I witnessed was an interaction in contrast. The father, who stopped by my family gathering, lovingly interacted with his son. He, however, had little affection for his daughter. He told her that as far as he was concerned her mother could take care of her and he would take care of her brother. He proceeded to then give the son the clothes he had bought him for the Xmas holidays but had nothing for the daughter. His anger stemmed from the fact that the daughter seldom called him. Although the daughter explained it had nothing to do with her love for him, it was that her mom’s phone had been disconnected for months. The brother, it seems, managed to call him often from his grandmother’s house. As I, along with other family members, watched the father interact with her none of us said anything even though we thought his actions were quite cruel to his daughter. I personally thought this was an issue for the mom, who hadn’t made it to the party yet because she was working, to resolve. I did feel bad for the daughter who cried as a result of the interaction.

When the father left, many family members expressed anger with the father’s actions. I, myself thought they were immature, and emphasized they showed a lack of real parenting skills. I, personally, have witnessed this behavior by fathers on so many occasions whether it is anger that a child only calls when they need something or the father’s fear that the child doesn’t call enough. I have always thought fathers who behave in this manner or feel this way have it wrong. After all, it is not the child’s responsibility to ensure a good relationship with the father, it is the father, as the parent, who has the responsibility to ensure a relationship with his child, and parents who failed to understand this have forgot or never learned one of the most important rules of parenting: it’s imperative that you, as a parent, invest in the life of your child. Parenting is not about your child investing in you.

Nevertheless, as the night went on, I made certain I talked to both children before I left the family event. I told the young boy that the adult’s who directed their frustration at him after the father left didn’t mean it and that he had experienced misplaced anger. I also explained to him that his father’s actions were not right and that the true measure of a good father is how a father treats all his kids and not just one. I also advised that when he grows up to have kids that it’s up to him to make certain he has a good relationship with his kids but that he should not feel any guilt that his father had given something to him. Rather, I thought, but did not say to him that his father, however, should feel real shame that he showed such disparity between his children. I also informed the daughter that despite her father’s actions she was a wonderful child who we all loved and that her value in this world would be based on the type of person she is and not based on what other people told her about herself or how they tried to make her feel about herself.

In the end, as parents, we must remember that our children are children and not adults and we have a responsibility to them. It’s our job to make sure we call them, we take care of them.